Friday, February 27, 2009

#5 Clue I Love You

You know, if this guy had been single and sending me these messages, I would have been THRILLED!!!! However, he is not single. Therefore, these messages are SICK! Imagine what Bertha would feel if she knew that her supposed 'loving husband' is writing emails and text messages (and sending letters, post cards, and voice mails) to another woman.
Someone I have a lot of respect for.
Lurch has no respect for anyone - what asshole thinks it is respectful to tell a woman that he loves them while he goes home and supports/fucks his wife that he claims to hate???
I can't even count the number of text messages that had ILY, IMY or I can't wait to see what the future has for us. Emails by the score about what we were going to do when he got rid of his horrible, selfish, self centered wife.
What he really means: I think women really like to hear this shit, so I will lay it on really thick. Maybe I'll get some.
If he really meant it he would have texted/emailed: I have filed for divorce and the papers will be finalized by xyz date.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

#4 Clue - EVERYONE hates Bertha Part 3

OK, so after he tells me how all three generations of his family can't stand Bertha, what does he revert to??? The usual.
"...I didn't have to sleep on the couch anymore as she would find somewhere else to sleep."
What a bunch of horseshit!!! "The man doth protest too much, methinks". - (Hamlet - Act III, Scene II - modified from 'lady' to 'man'). I would have to be a complete idiot to believe him. When I asked him why he told me this, he said that it was important for him to tell me so I would understand that his marriage to Bertha was completely over and that he really wanted to have a life with me. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah (I assumed they were both sleeping on the couch!! Maybe the kitchen counter was next? LOL)

What he really means: I'm getting desperate here to convince you - I'm starting to pull stuff out of my ass. I still fuck Bertha on a regular basis but I want some action on the side because I am bored with her.
If he really meant it he would have said: I have moved out.

Friday, February 20, 2009

#4 Clue - EVERYONE hates Bertha Part 2

Wow - after he informs me that his parents don't like his wife, he then tells me that his daughters also don't like Bertha.
So why does this jerk feel the need to tell me that all three generations of his family hate his third/fourth choice of wife? Am I supposed to hate her too? I pity her, but then again, she did pursue him 'intently' and should have known what she was getting into. Sounds like he is playing the victim card again too.
What he really means: OK - I'll take a stab at it: If I convince you that I and everyone else in my family hates Bertha, you will be more likely to believe the next part of the email. (Fat chance on that!!! LOL)
If he really meant it he would have said: Nothing. Once again, how his daughters feel about Bertha is none of my business. And, quite frankly, if Lurch's wives wouldn't come in and out like revolving doors the daughters might have a chance to get to like them. Lurch told me that he just left his daughters behind (tossed away like yesterdays trash) for one of his wives when the girls were VERY young - just walked out and left them behind to get his next piece of ass.
I talked with him after he emailed this and he referred to one of his daughters (the one who is 6'+ tall) as 'the one who looks retarded'. Nice.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

#4 Clue - EVERYONE hates Bertha Part 1

I have to say, this line of trying to convince me he was sincere really was unexpected. I did not expect him to tell me about how his family could not stand her either!! That said, it was probably the only thing he ever told me that was the TRUTH! I met his parents (they were looking at a horse over at a friend's house) and my friend told them that I knew their son, Lurch. After a brief, very general conversation, there was NO DOUBT that Lurch's parents can't stand Bertha. And I DID NOT bring the subject up, they did.

What he really means: I have to say I don't know what he was trying to convince me of here - he threw his parents under the bus for hating his wife.
If he really meant it he would have said: Nothing. It's none of my business.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I'm a victim - Part 3

"We do nothing together. She never wants sex now that
she has me. And, to tell you the truth, I don't want to have
anything to do with her anymore. Especially sex. I work
late at night because I can't stand the thought of
coming home to her. I get angry just seeing her car at home. "
Oh puleeeeeez. What was really insulting was that he actually thought I would buy this crap!
"I'm still trying to process all this. I mean, I've never really thought about all this in this way, putting pieces together to form a bigger picture. Right now I feel pretty stupid. And used. And very angry. " I bet he never put the pieces together this way - Lurch was just trying to figure out what lies to tell me to get me to believe him. As my daddy always used to say - 'Trust but verify'. And I sure could easily verify that Lurch could not be trusted. Absolutely fascinating. My curosity was certainly piqued as to what BS he would pull next in his relentless pursuit. He certainly was following the textbook on what to look for in a man who cheats.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'm a victim - Part 2

"I put her through school" ...Works PT for her best friend.." But doesn't get paid!!! LOL - the jokes on you, sugar daddy!

"Tells me we bought two lesson horses for her.....which I don't want" But SHE wanted them, so she got them. It's obvious who wears the pants in your family!! What a man.....

"Bertha has methodically pushed my farm away from what my passion always was and now I don't have room/time for what I want to do." Wahhhhh - poor boy - and you have no control on what happens at YOUR farm do you??? .

"And through her actions (but not words however) makes it pretty
clear to me that my needs or wants are pretty low on her priorities list."
And by your chasing after me, it is pretty clear that her wants or needs are pretty low on YOUR list!!! No wonder she does what she wants and couldn't care less if you are upset by her spending your money.

Does this guy sound like a spineless wimp or what???

Monday, February 9, 2009

I'm a victim - Part 1

Wow - he slams Bertha pretty quickly to convince me that he is going to leave her. I simply asked him how long he had been miserable with Bertha - he said from even before they were married!!! And why would he be so stupid to marry her if that were true?

"Bertha used sex to get what she wanted. Me" Talk about an ego.

"She pursued me rather intently" And what a prize Lurch turned out to be.

"she cheated on him" Sounds like Lurch and Bertha are perfect for each other - Lurch has a well known history of cheating on his wives. And he sure tried to cheat on her with me!!!

And who wants a man who will so readily share such sordid details?

Friday, February 6, 2009


Of all the thousands of text messages that Lurch sent me, this is the most bizarre: "Probe length 7-8 in fully ext. Dia: 1.5 est. Insertion depth: variable. Sensitivity:environmentally dep. Excitation: chemical."
This would be worthy of being posted on WWHM!! First of all, does he really think I would have sex with him based upon his penis size??? Not in a million years..............
Second of all, if you give dimensions, they damn well better be accurate. No matter if my hand is wrapped around a straw or a double stuffed burrito, the distance between my thumb and pinkie when extended is EXACTLY 7". My thumb to the first knuckle is 1" and my pinkie to the first knuckle is 3/4".(I do a lot of home improvement projects and don't always have a regular ruler handy) I can measure nearly any cylinder and be accurate within 1/8". Note to Lurch- get rid of your fisherman's ruler.
Third - Lurch believes that size is the most important characteristic of a penis. Newsflash: if a woman is given the choice between a large cucumber that is mushy and gets you wet as soon as you touch it or one that is not quite as large but is very firm and stays that way as long as SHE wants, the second one will win everytime. Note to Lurch - don't use a marshmallow to get in the door - it can't get in and just makes a sticky mess for the door owner to clean up - so I have been told.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I want to catch up with Elizabeth Taylor

Bertha Butt is his third or fourth wife. Poor thing - or maybe not!!! - more on that later....

One of Lurch's co-workers told me that Lurch thinks he is God's gift to women - what do you think?

Monday, February 2, 2009

Mr. Double Chin

#3 Clue
I told him I had absolutely no interest in having an affair with a married man. He told me "I completely understand - I would never do that to you - I'm divorcing my wife - I really mean it. It's been over between Kelly and me for awhile"
What he really means: "I want to use you so I am going to have to make up shit to convince you"
If he really meant it he would have said: "I am really interested in you - I will call you when I am divorced because I respect you"
Doesn't that horse look pissed? Ears are back and he's forcing his head up to 'pet' him.


#2 Clue
"My wife and I don't have sex anymore - she is just not interested in me and I am divorcing her"
Hahahahahahahaha (I couldn't believe he pulled that tired old card out of his pocket)
What he really means: "I am totally bored - we fuck, but it's not exciting"
If he really meant it he would have said: "I have moved out"